Who Am I?

So as we grow older, we acquire different tags and labels. I am a women, so I'll let you know mine. I am a daughter, sister, wife, daughter in law, sister in law, aunt, therapist, friend, and so on. All of these tags come with expectations, job roles and different kinds of identities. Often, to fit in said roles we end up putting parts of our real self on the bench, maybe because they might not conform to the expectations put on us by our social support system, society or even us.

The problem here my friend is that the longer you bench parts of you, the more emotional conflict you increase within you. Think of it like creating Horcruxes where you fragment parts of you and contain them in nostalgic memories and then you leave them be. And if you've seen Harry Potter, you know how unstable creating a Horcrux makes you! I do believe finding the Philosopher's Stone would be a tad bit difficult now that it's gone. (to all my muggle friends who haven't seen/read Harry Potter, please go read now!)

Okay coming back to the identity crisis we face. A lot of you, I'm sure, think that this is the way of life. We add on these layers of labels as we age and everything comes with a cost.

Just leaving some food for thought here, when you see your mom, do you see her as a woman and individual too? Or does the label "mom" cloud your vision? When you reflect on her life, how many instances do you see where she may have benched parts of her? Do you think she lived wholly? If your answer is yes, then that's absolutely brilliant! But I know that the majority of you might be coming up with a begrudging no. My aim with this wasn't to chastise you, or make you feel uncomfortable. Neither was it to say that it's wrong to sacrifice or compromise for our loved ones.

This article here today is just to incite a small little spark. A spark that talks of healthier boundaries. And fighting the system that tells you that your way of doing things is wrong. Or that being you is wrong. I lose count of all the "progressive," "modern" (too modern, they say), independent young woman told off, or told that they can't function the way they see fit. I cannot begin to tell you how many clients have come up with this realisation and even complaint that they may have "evolved a bit too far" from what society sees fit. I see people at crossroads where they either "rebel" and do things their way and are labelled as the "black sheep" or where they continue to bench parts of them and slowly lose their light.

I can give you countless incidents of women who went a bit too deep in adjusting and keeping up with all the accountability of their labels, and later realised that whilst doing so, they had lost their identity in totality.

This is not an angry vent, neither is it a cry for help. It's just observations that I see too often. And now, it hurts to see someone's light dim just because their ideas don't fit the bill.

So again, I talk of healthy boundaries and how it's okay to say no. How it's okay to ask for what you need even if it's time or space. And how it's okay to be unavailable to someone whilst living in the same space. Don't feel guilty for doing things that are just for you. Don't feel guilty if your priorities don't match someone else's. Don't let the comparison and guilt riddle you in shame. I know mothers who feel shame because they want to be more than just a mother. And I know mothers who feel shame for not wanting more in life. The point is comparison leads to judgment and criticism and that leads to shame. And shame, my friends, derives it's power from being unspeakable. It's like a maggot that'll eat you and your self esteem from the inside.

Maybe take a few moments and deep breaths, and evaluate where you are in life. Is there something that you wish you could change? Who's stopping you? Many times, we put invisible shackles on us based on assumptions and untold demands. Today, I ask you to actually source what holds you back or down. Take a deep breath, spread your arms as wide as they can go, and you tell yourself, my friend, that,

You are free.

You are enough.

And correct the way you are.

Your priorities can be different, but not wrong! Maybe dig back into nostalgia and bit by bit, reconnect to who you truly are, because you are amazing.